Terra Firma
by Voyfemme
Summary: Summary: Janeway and Torres help Chakotay deal with the after effects of his first contact with the aliens in Chaotic Space. JC, CT
1. Chapter 1

**Part 14: Terra Firma**

Summary:

Janeway and Torres help Chakotay deal with the after effects of his first contact with the aliens in Chaotic Space. (J/C, CT)

_Pairing: _J/C, CT _Rating_: PG-13 _Type of Story:_ Drama _Level_: 3

* * *

**Part 14: Solid Ground**

"I want you back in here for some tests…unless you want to be seeing things on a regular basis." And with that statement his most terrifying nightmare began. Up to that time everything was normal. Even the weird vision he had in the Holodeck. All of that could be explained by whatever the Captain was calling him back to duty for. The thought had never entered his mind…..until now. How could it? The details of that particular time of his life, all the thoughts, feelings and fears were hidden in the deepest recesses of his psyche. As he grew up, he constructed walls around those emotions; the walls of adulthood, the walls of supposed understanding that comes with maturity, the walls of separation. With these walls in place he felt safe. He allowed nothing to interfere with the structural integrity of those walls. The Commander seldom drank and never to excess. He never did drugs and he never let himself completely go with a woman. There was always a hint of reserve. There was always a measure of control. In that way he found peace with that part of his life.

Now with the events of the boxing simulation, it seemed that those walls were about to come down.

**_No!_**

It was an irrational violent reaction to that thought. Chakotay realized that he had reached his quarters. He looked around to see if anyone had heard him, because he knew he had uttered that thought out loud. It seemed like no one did, so he entered his quarters.

_It all comes down to the heart._

_Do you have the heart for this? _

_That's the contest….it's not against him. It's against your own natural human desire not to get hurt. _

_That's the real fight!_

Boothby's words came back to him almost forcibly. He swore that he could hear Boothby talking to him as if he were in the same room with him. At that point Chakotay began to get scared. He shook his head and clamped his jaw

It's just a couple of over stimulated ganglia. When the crisis is over, you'll go to sickbay and have it taken care of. No problem

But what about?...

It's **_nothing_**. The Captain asked me to report to duty, I know when I go to the bridge there will be a perfectly logical explanation for all of this.

Chakotay clung to that thought as he exited his quarters.

_Begin Round 1_

He worked through it, it was nothing; just the simulation playing tricks on his mind.

The computer didn't say anything, you're just tired and working round the clock to get out of Chaotic Space.

But the voices were getting louder and more insistent. Suddenly he looked up and saw his boxing gloves.

I could have sworn I put them away when I was done

Maybe you didn't, maybe you just left them there and didn't notice them on your way in.

But I would have remembered…

Chakotay reached down to touch the gloves as the voices kept getting louder and louder.

_Pick 'em up, son. It's the fight you've been waiting for._

"Bridge to Commander Chakotay"

"Go ahead Tuvok"

"Please report to the bridge"

"On my way"

A change of scene; some place other than here, his quarters. Chakotay almost fled out of them. The ship in Chaotic space was getting stranger and stranger. He didn't know why he did, but he turned around on his way out the door.

The gloves were gone.

Just some over stimulated ganglia. The sooner, we get out of here, the sooner I can go to sickbay and get this taken care of and I can get back to normal.

But in his gut, he knew that he was wrong.

* * *

_Put the gloves on son, _

_I'm not ready._

Where did it come from? Why did he answer? One minute he was asking the bridge crew if they heard what he heard. One minute he was of sound mind, and the next minute he was falling deep…… He heard the statement and he had answered as if someone real was talking to him. He felt compelled to answer. The voices……..so many voices. He had never done a simulation with the voices of the crowd at the match, but he had been to many matches, it sounded just like a crowd at a prize fight. But what he couldn't understand, what was scaring him the most was his reaction. He didn't excuse himself off of the bridge. He didn't tell Tuvok to take over and leave; he was transported somehow into his hallucination. It was _so_ real. He was in the ring, as he had been so many times in his Holodeck boxing simulation. And he had an interesting opponent. He was dark skinned and had pointed ears. He knew him from somewhere and then the fight began. He got in a few punches and then his opponent did something strange. He reached over and pinched his neck. After that instant of blinding pain there was sweet oblivion.

* * *

As much as he could be insufferable sometimes, the Doctor did have a good voice, or at least his program did. But Chakotay was lost in thought until the door opened and Kathryn walked in with a perplexed amused look on her face.

"Music lessons?"

"Pretty soon we'll be singing duets," Anything to lighten the situation, to put the fear that he was feeling at bay. But fear was not the only thing that Chakotay was grappling with at that time, there was also the matter of Kathryn seeing him like this. They were close, very close or _too_ close depending on the time and the situation. In this instance it was the latter. He didn't want her to see him like this, he wanted to handle this privately. But she had to know, she was the Captain, and to tell the truth he was embarrassed. He should be at her side on the bridge, not stuck in sickbay dealing with things that he thought he had long buried.

"Just checking his audio and visual functions, they're all normal. I'm afraid the source of the trouble may be a little...deeper."

"The family curse." The curse that he was born with…..the curse that should have been dealt with a long time ago, but instead was resurfacing here.

The Doctor went on by way of explanation. "Chakotay has the genetic marker for a cognitive disorder…… sensory tremens. The primary symptoms are visual and auditory hallucinations."

"My family Doctor suppressed the gene before I was even born so I never had to go through what the others did….like my grandfather," Chakotay finished the explanation, but not without it taking a toll on him. As Kathryn studied him, he looked haunted by something and it was then that she understood that this was not just something physical with him. It was something that was touching off on something else, something that came from a long time ago and something that had a deep emotional resonance for the Commander.

"For some reason, the gene's been switched on. I'm not saying for certain that's why Chakotay thought he was getting ready for a prize fight, but it's a good bet; the Holodeck boxing simulation was fresh in his memory. A few misfiring neurons did the rest."

"Can Chaotic Space be causing these hallucinations?"

"It's possible, but we won't know for sure until we get out of here."

"In the meantime, the Commander will have to stay in Sickbay." After giving his report, the doctor abruptly walked away to finish some work. Kathryn was glad of it because it gave her some privacy to deal with the ghosts that seem to be awakening in Chakotay.

Leaning over him, Kathryn said in a whisper, "Tuvok tells me you've got a mean left jab." He didn't want to be looking up at her so he sat up on the bio-bed.

"Never spar with a Vulcan," Chakotay said laughing. It was a little easier now, he would remain in sickbay and with a little luck, the doctor would figure out what was wrong and correct it before the worst could happen.

"How are you doing?" Kathryn asked. Chakotay sighed as he answered quickly.

"I'm all right." But his eyes told a different story. And she knew, because she knew him as well as he knew her. A man like Chakotay, always sure of himself and his mental abilities, a man who had helped others better understand themselves would not be taking the possible loss of his mental faculties so well.

Chakotay was spooked. He was trying to chase it away and pretend that it wasn't there and with the speed of his answer, she knew that he was also trying to shield her from what he was going through. Kathryn would have none of it, not now. Perhaps it would have worked a year ago. But now they were too close and she knew exactly how to disarm him. She touched him and he looked at her.

_I know you, this has you unsure and scared tell me…._

It flowed out from him naturally as if she had unblocked a dam, unlocked a massive door, or opened a box; a Pandora's Box and the truth came pouring out.

"When I was a boy...my grandfather started seeing things nobody else could see...hearing what nobody else could hear. A couple of hypo sprays a day…..that's all he would have needed, but he was stubborn. He said his spirit was in pain...but that the wound...must be honoured."

With the uttering of those words, he began to understand what his grandfather meant when he said that statement. The understanding that was so far from him in his youth came crashing down on him as he realized that just like his grandfather, his spirit was in pain. And what he was running away from, what he was so desperate to avoid at all cost was the cost of the 'gift' to his grandfather, the 'curse' to him. The honouring of the wound…..in that revelation, spiritually, he was naked.

One look at Kathryn and he knew that she had heard all of what he was thinking in his words, and he ran away from her trying to keep the fear which had been building at bay. He tried to laugh it off dismissively, but he ran into the truth.

"Crazy old man."

With that utterance, he had spoken and named his deepest fear. Kathryn saw it and she touched his face. His eyes were cast downwards as he refused to look at her. He was stripped of everything that he was, all that was the best in him, in front of her and he was ashamed of what was being revealed in his nakedness.

With the greatest care that she had ever given, Kathryn raised his face to meet hers.

"We are going to get to the bottom of this Chakotay and we are going to make it through this. Please hold on. We have been through too much and I have not intension of losing you."

His eyes filled and so had hers with the realization of what was tearing him apart.

"And yes that's an order." He chuckled quietly at that. "You'd better be getting back."

"Yes, I have to." Her hand lingered on his face for a while and within a moment, she was gone.

* * *

_The honouring of the wound_

Was this how it was done? He wondered as he stumbled from one vision to the next in his quest, Chakotay felt everything slipping away from him piece by piece. He was barely in one vision long enough to even realize what was happening to him far less for him to make sense of it. In the deepest recesses of his mind, the small part that was still him he realized that it was too much. The images from childhood came with all of the feeling from that time, unfettered with the maturity of adulthood. The fear of becoming like his grandfather was uncontrolled and all consuming.

But underneath it all, he sensed that someone was trying to talk to him, but it was so difficult to hear. Most of the difficulty didn't seem to come from without , but from within himself. Chakotay was fighting tooth and nail to maintain some semblance of control. He didn't want to hear it, he didn't want to face it and from within him, the images came. Images that distracted him from hearing what was being said.

But in his gut, he knew that he had to hear. He didn't know why, but he had to. Someone alien was screaming for his attention and in his soul he made the connection between being stuck in Chaotic space and the importance of the message. His fear of stopping to hear what was being said revolved around that fact that if he did listen to the message, there would be no turning back for him. The worst part for him would not be the losing of his mind, but the realization that he had lost it. The knowing, in the way that others looked at him and treated him, that there was something wrong, something that set him apart from everyone else….something that evoked pity.

And when he was allowed to go back to the important simulation, the one in the boxing ring where aliens were trying to contact him and he realized what they had to do in order to communicate with him, the fear which he had been struggling to control won out and Chakotay surrendered to the madness of fighting the fear so hard that instead of keeping it at bay, he ended up succumbing to it.

_The honouring of the wound_.

_It all comes down to the heart._

_Do you have the heart for this?_

_**NO!**_

His throat was raw and he was screaming, he could remember seeing Seven, and someone was holding him down, and he heard a voice from far away voice, a very different one.

"_Janeway…….sickbay. ………progress?" _

That voice. If he could only make it to that voice he would be all right. But the screaming in his ear made him lose contact with the voice and Chakotay howled in frustration. The voice kept coming back in and out

"_Report to the bridge……pilot….._

_Astrometrics….. _

And then it was truly gone and the maddening noise was with him again. With a supreme howl of frustration, Chakotay's body shut down.

* * *

When he awoke all was quiet, and he longed for the sweet oblivion once again. He called for…….

"Doctor" that was his name, he called to him seeking relief but instead he was taken down memory lane which lead him right back to the madness.

But this time with the Doctor's prodding, he allowed himself to hear more, to focus on one word at a time. He had mastered the fear for that time, but it was short lived. The shouting was too much and this time he couldn't shut himself down. But he had been trying so hard that he began to injure himself and the Doctor, against his better judgement gave him the suppressant.

* * *

When he awoke again, his mind was clearer. The voices were still there, but they were faded and muted. His first thought was one of relief. It was over, but with each rocking of the ship due to the increased graviton shear field, he knew that it wasn't. His guilt kicked in. He should be trying again, trying to make contact once more to get the ship out of Chaotic Space.

Let someone else be the responsible one this time,

Someone else could get them out of this.

_You're being selfish Chakotay._

He shivered. Words right out of his hallucinations, coming back to haunt him and they were true words. Still the fear was too great. He would not attempt it again. Someone else would do it. Maybe they had gotten enough information from him to do what they needed to do.

When he saw the captain talking to the Doctor, his heart sank, he could see it on her face and in her mannerisms that she was going to ask him to go back.

It was confirmed when she touched him. He took her hand in his drawing strength from her. He could see it in her eyes; she did not want to ask him. But she had to, and she had the right to _expect_ it from him. It was part of the commitment that he had given to her willingly, so many years ago.

"I realize you're frightened...but you're our only hope out of this place. You think this could risk your sanity, but your sanity won't do you any good if we remain in Chaotic Space. _I need you_ to keep trying, Chakotay. Will you keep trying?"

Her voice……_that_ voice, the one that will always demand his best, even when he thought that he didn't have it to give. And the touch, that was brief because she had other duties, but the one that told him of her support of him through this.

He nodded his ascent, because he knew what it would call forth from him, and he was terrified beyond words.

_I'm afraid,_

_I know you are, you'd be a liar if you said you weren't_

_But I've always been afraid_

_I know that too._

_The only thing that is keeping you from understanding them is your fear,_

_Your fear of losing control, your fear of the unknown_

_And what would happen to me….when they're done_

_You'll be on Voyager surrounded by friends_

And his **_best friend_**

And he opened his mind and he knew.

* * *

It wasn't a fog, and it wasn't absolute clarity, but he made it to the bridge. His best friend wanted to trust him, but she didn't make leaps of faith unless it involved science and odds. This was not something that she would accept just like that. But she had to. He understood what was happening and even more than they did, and he knew the danger that they would be in if they didn't get out right now. His mind was realigned and with that he realigned the sensors. He could sense her watching him, making the leaps of faith little by little as required and then finally when she had to trust him completely and with the sureness of her voice he knew that she did.

"Engage"

And they were out. As Chakotay collapsed, in the back of his mind was the question,

_Now what?_


	2. Chapter 2

When he came to, the Doctor and the Captain were smiling over him. He realized he was in sickbay on a bio bed. The shouting had stopped and the aliens were gone, he was OK. He smiled as he made a move to hop off the bed and his eyes fell on a tree in the middle of sickbay. The fear that crossed his face was fleeting, but it was not missed by both the Captain and the Doctor.

"I know you're still seeing things." The Doctor said in a gentle voice, and it was at the time that his panic was the greatest that he felt a strong arm on his shoulder.

"We've only given you a minimum dose of the drugs to suppress the hallucinations because you have a decision to make." Chakotay looked at the Doctor and Kathryn and she could see the dread crossing his face.

"Chakotay, I promised you that we would get through this, and we will." Kathryn took his hand and he drew courage from her in that simple touch.

The Doctor observed the behaviour of the two command officers and wondered. Was it really true? Were they intimately involved? The looks that were passing from the two of them were ones normally reserved for relationships where few words needed to be said, and the words that were said were cradled in love, used as healing balms in situations like this where the soul was most fragile, so it could be true.

The thoughts passed through his 'mind' for a fraction of a second. It did not interfere with what needed to be said as a physician.

"I've found a way to deactivate the gene, actually two ways. The first is what we're doing right now, and that is to treat the effects of the active gene with drugs. But the drugs are powerful ones and over time there will be side effects, mild but still there. The only way I can think to shut down the gene completely is to goad your body into shutting the gene down for itself. What I would do is increase the effect of the gene to a factor of two and the body over time will shut itself down."

_My God, not again!_ This time he was able to contain the panic so that the other people in the room didn't see it. ….Well at least one other person didn't see it.

"Commander, I don't know if you remember, but I was there during the ordeal in Chaotic Space."

Chakotay nodded his head, he did remember.

"This will be the same as what you went through, but there will be no one shouting at your to be heard. It will be like a vision quest. But you will not be able to _go_ where you want to, but you will be _led_. And the person leading you will be you, but what part I don't know. Because there is such an….emotional resonance….for you on this issue, I think it will be your fear that will be coming out."

Kathryn held his hand a little tighter as she read the expression on his face.

"How long will this take?"

"It should take about three days for the gene to completely shut itself off naturally. I should also tell you that sedation will prolong the treatment and a high enough dose will be as effective as the first treatment that I've suggested."

"I had suggested to the Captain, that we confine you here in sickbay while this is going on, if you chose that treatment, but I think that it may be best that you return to your quarters as you will have a lot more privacy there. Also Captain," Kathryn looked at the doctor questioningly.

"I will be able to monitor Chakotay from here, but I don't think that's a good idea to leave him alone for the next few days. I suggest a vigil, just as you did with me when I was going through my dark night of the soul…" The Doctor looked please with his analogy, but Chakotay knew that he didn't go through just a dark night of the soul, now he was being asked to go through hell itself.

"However" He cautioned. "Make sure that you trust this person, these people absolutely because you will have no control over what is coming out of you."

Chakotay smiled, but it was pained. Having no control seemed to be his lot in life these days.

"I can do it alone. All you have to do, Captain, is seal me in my quarters and remove the furniture. Oh, and you may want to clear the deck of personnel for the next couple of days." He forced himself to make like of the situation.

Kathryn was not having any of it.

"Doctor, will you excuse us for a minute."

"Of course." And with that he was gone.

Chakotay was sitting on the bio-bed with his feet dangling on the side and he looked tired and lost. Kathryn sat on the bed next to him and touched him on his leg. He didn't look at her as he said.

"So I go through it again."

"The doctor said the sooner we start the second treatment the shorter and more effective it will be. But you have a small window in which to make up your mind. After 24 hours you will only have the first treatment available to you."

Kathryn's voice was gentle and she studied Chakotay as she was talking to him. He still didn't look at her. Kathryn removed her hand, but leaned so that she could touch his whole side with her body. She didn't miss that he leaned a little into her when she did.

"What I want you to know is that I will respect whatever choice you make and I urge you to take some time to think about it. If you chose the second option and you want to go through this locked in your quarters, I will not stop you. But I ask you not to make the decision because you're afraid of what your friends will see when you lose control. I think that there are people on this ship that you can chose in complete faith and trust to be with you and not worry about any repercussions. I urge you, as you have urged me many times, not to go through this alone."

Chakotay slowly raised his head to meet her gaze. Her eyes were full. "You and Tuvok have been the people at my side at whatever time I needed it. For you and I, it has always been a question of trust. We have worked very hard at rebuilding it and I would like to think that it's strong enough to handle what you will be going through. I would like to try, to give back a little of what you've given to me, if you will let me. If not, as you have done before I will honour and support your decision to go it alone. And I will be with you in anyway that you ask, and in any way that I can."

This time it was Chakotay who touched her cheek….briefly. His face clouded over after that. Kathryn knew that he had a tough decision to make and she left him alone to make it.

* * *

His hand worked the consul in a measured pace. He remembered and he knew what he had to do.

_Come with me to where my spirit lives_

_Grandfather!_

The voices were calling to him.

"Chakotay, are you alright?" The worry in B'Elanna's eyes touched him.

In his mind he still had concerns about asking her, but B'Elanna had offered to be there time and time again for him and he had let her in only on the peripheral of what was happening at the time. It was true that she was now in love with Tom and she probably didn't notice his shutting her out as much as she once did, but what they had been through in the Maquis and then on Voyager as Senior Officers would bond them for the rest of their lives. He knew he was going to test those bonds of friendship now and he probably shouldn't do that with a member of his staff, but in these times they were more than that, they were family. And he needed his family around him now, desperately.

"I will be, thanks for asking. Can you spare a minute?"

"Of course I'm on my way."

"B'E…." It was too late, she had already closed the com link. He was going to tell her when she could break away within the next hour, but she had other plans.

Within the next minute B'Elanna walked into sickbay.

"What is it?"

B'Elanna looked so concerned about him that he guessed he must have conveyed the personal nature of his request in his summons.

"I have a favour to ask……I need help." Chakotay kept his eye on B'Elanna though he found it hard to do so.

"Chakotay, what is it?" B'Elanna had squared her shoulders as if she was prepared to go into battle with him.

"The doctor has found away to turn off my genetic marker as it were, but it will involve me being crazy for a couple of days until my body can regulate itself, and I'm going to need a babysitter……someone who I can trust to look after me, someone who can keep me in line when the going gets rough. Know anyone good for the job?" His face was deadpan as he asked, but B'Elanna recognized the twinkle in his yes

"I know someone who is perfect!" Was B'Elanna smacking her lips? But this was not just all fun and games.

"There's something I want to warn you about. During this time, I'll be experiencing hallucinations and possibly saying non-sense or saying things that are hard to hear. I might be even saying things about you and I and what we've been through. I don't know and I probably won't be able to control it. You must know that I am planning to ask the Captain to share this with you. She had volunteered and I think she believes that she can do it on her own, but she may be needed or called away and I want her to get some rest during the upcoming days. I also want you to know that it may be possible that I will say some things about you while I'm out of it and the Captain will know."

B'Elanna hesitated for a minute, but she answered, "It's not a problem Chakotay." There was a look of resolve on her face.

"Can't wait to find out all my secrets huh?" He decided the break the tension a little with a joke. B'Elanna smiled a little and then said in a serious voice.

"Can't wait to be as good a friend to you as you've been to me." B'Elanna looked at him shyly and her eyes were full. Chakotay couldn't get over in that instant how much she had changed in this crazy journey to the other side of the galaxy.

She walked up to him and gave him a fierce hug, and from her body language response, she seemed surprised when he hugged her back. Without a word she turned to leave sickbay.

"B'Elanna," She turned back to face him. "You've always been a good friend to me." The smile she gave before leaving warmed his heart.

* * *

"Commander you called for me." The title she used to address him almost seemed inappropriate for what he was about to ask, but the voice by which she acknowledged him, let him know that she was ready for what he had called her to Sickbay to tell her. He realized that it didn't matter if he used Kathryn or Captain, the person was the same. Whether she was here in her official capacity as captain or best friend, she was still Kathryn. Whether he responded to her as Commander or Chakotay, finally he was one and the same.

Kathryn stood in front of him in the empty sickbay. He looked at her straight in the eye and damned himself.

"I don't want to go through this alone."

Kathryn smiled. It was warm and it was shy. "You won't be"

* * *

Then he descended into hell.

* * *

_He recognized the forest, in fact he had just been here recently…..when was it?...he couldn't remember but something important had happened here. He was supposed to do something important……_

_Grandfather._

_He saw the older man coming towards him his face alight. _

_You have come Chakotay, _

_Where_

_To where your spirit lives._

_My spirit doesn't live here, this is the forest behind our house._

_No it isn't. Does the forest contain this?_

_His grandfather gestured towards the biggest waterfall that Chakotay ever saw. He knew it hadn't been there when he entered the forest. And it made no noise. _

_Come Chakotay, let's swim._

_No! That's not really there, I'm hallucinating._

_Big words for a boy of six, it's real to you and that's all that's important._

_Come on._

"What do you see?"

_Suddenly Chakotay was older, at least he was an older version of himself watching his grandfather lead his younger self to a waterfall. All of a sudden instead of being part of the action, he was a spectator, sitting on a tree stump, watching. He wasn't alone. Grandmother was sitting with him. But she was wearing funny clothing, something in red and black._

_I see myself playing in a waterfall that isn't there. I'm naked playing in a puddle with my grandfather._

_Grandmother had this funny look on her face and began smiling,_

_It's not funny_

"No it isn't." _Grandmother hastened to add_

_Is this what I'm going to be like when I lose my mind? How could you have let this happen? You should have forced him to take the medicine._

"It's his choice Chakotay, his life. This is the way he chooses to honour the wound"

_It's the wrong choice!_

"How can you say that, it's not your life. What harm is he doing? You are having fun with him aren't you?"

_Yes, but that's beside the point, I'm not having fun with him in a puddle, I'm having fun with him in a waterfall. I'm hallucinating too._

_Grandmother watched him with a sympathetic look on her face. _

_He jumped off the stump, and shouted at his grandmother_

_That's why you should have made him do it, for me. I have the family curse too. Now I have to look after him, look at him as he becomes what I'm destined to become. A crazy old man! _

"No! That's not what you will become" _Grandmother stood up also and was holding him by the arms as she had done before? He couldn't remember, but it felt so familiar so comforting. It was as if she were grounding him. But the fact that he couldn't remember when she had done this last angered him and he continued shouting at her._

_It is what I am now, isn't it?_

_I swore that I would never become like this, never allow it. No drugs unless prescribed under controlled conditions. No alcohol to excess and no losing myself in another person. I was so careful, how did it come on? What did I do wrong? Grandmother help me._

_He was practically screaming._

_Grandmother put her arms around him and led him back to the trunk.

* * *

_

"Sit Chakotay, I'll tell you what, why don't you stop watching your grandfather for a while and let's do something you want to do."

_Can we go to the carnival? _

_His face brightened with the prospect. As much as he enjoyed playing with Grandfather, he had been begging to go to the carnival for a week now, and his mother had promised that if he was good with Grandfather for the next week he would get to go._

"Of course, what carnival is in town?"

_She knew what carnival was in town, but perhaps if he answered correctly……_

_Emps Grand Fete_

She should have known, that was one of the better travelling carnivals when she was a child.

"Tell you what, watch Grandfather for a little while longer and let me go and arrange it with your father."

_OK.

* * *

_

"How is he doing?" B'Elanna asked the Captain.

They were sitting in the big top of the carnival watching the show and watching Chakotay with his eyes aglow enjoying the clowns and clapping to show his amusement, gasping when trapeze artists did their stunts and stuffing his face with popcorn, just as any kid would do.

The Captain, B'Elanna noted, looked weary.

"He's fine. I'm the one who feels she could sleep for days."

"Anything I should know?"

"The doctor will be coming in to check him every four hours and other than that, use your imagination."

A look of doubt passed B'Elanna's face and the Captain noticed it.

"B'Elanna, just be with him. At first I tried to convince him that the hallucinations weren't real, but they were too strong and we ended up in a shouting match. Then I found out if I just became part of it, they came and went away on their own. He's in childhood right now, and because of the strain that his body is under he reads that as bed time and nap time. Let him sleep, it's not necessary he stays awake."

"Maybe I should have told him no. I didn't have a very good childhood, I don't know if I can become a part of his hallucination and I don't want to upset him any more than he is right now."

"B'Elanna," Kathryn patted her on her leg, "Chakotay asked you knowing that this was how he was going to be. He did it because he trusts you, implicitly. Take a cue from him and trust yourself. Besides, you're most likely going to be a parent in his hallucination, so you don't have to worry."

Kathryn got up and yawned. "Now I'm off to bed"

* * *

_Come on the swings with me_

"But I'm too old for that"

_No you're not; you're six years old just like me. Come on_

He began dragging her to them. With a sigh B'Elanna let go and sent up a prayer to Chakotay's Spirits that she do this right, and she abandoned herself to what was happening to him…….and to her.

It happened slowly as she was still clinging to her reality, but with the laughter and the joy that she was seeing on his face, she felt herself letting go and being caught up in his hallucinations. They played on the swings, climbed the playhouse, went down the slides and rode the see-saws. B'Elanna couldn't remember when she had ever been to a carnival and had such a good time before.

They even played tag. During the game she noticed that Chakotay was watching her forehead intently.

"What is it?" She said, laughing

_Your head looks like a turtle. Turtle head! Turtle head! _

Chakotay ran from her laughing.

B'Elanna's anger exploded and she ran up and pushed him, hard.

Chakotay the man may have been able to see what was coming and fend off the blow, but Chakotay the child had no clue how to that, and because he thought he was much shorter than he was, he stumbled and fell.

"_Oww!"_

"Chakotay! Chakotay, I'm sorry." B'Elanna was mentally hitting herself. She had just gotten so angry by that remark and the memories that it brought back to her that she had just lashed out. Chakotay had no idea what he was saying. In his hallucination, he was a child and he was acting as a child would.

And, in fact, so was she.

She rushed up to him; he was on the ground cradling his knee.

"Are you hurt?"

"Yes"

"I'm sorry let me see." B'Elanna rolled up his pant leg and examined the wound

_Helena was crying._

_Why are you crying?_

"Because I hurt you, I pushed you and made you fall"

_Are you sorry?_

"Yes"

_Then I forgive you._

"Just like that"

_My father says that once someone is sorry for what they have done you should forgive them. Don't you do that?_

"I try, but sometimes it's hard."

* * *

_Chakotay is right, you should learn to forgive yourself a little more_

"What!" Slowly realization dawned on B'Elanna. Chakotay had changed roles in the middle of his hallucination. "Who are you?"

_I am Kolopec, Chakotay's father. You should listen to my son. Trust the people around you a little more, they are able to deal with your anger and forgive you through it._

B'Elanna just stared at him dumbfounded.

Chakotay smiled as he always did.

_Go, on join him….he's a lot tougher than you think

* * *

_

Suddenly he was pulling on her uniform,

_Come on race you….._

He went off running with the wind. B'Elanna joined him.


	3. Chapter 3

_Mother it is good that you are here_

_His mother had been reading a book, with an amused smile she lowered the book and looked at him._

"Oh"

_I wanted to talk to you about someone._

"Who?"

"_This woman I met."_

_Mother's smile lit up the room._

"Really who is she?"

_Her name is Kathryn and mother, I love her._

_Mother what's wrong?_

_His mother had cried out and dropped her book. The look of alarm that was on her face frightened him, he ran by her side._

_Mother, what's wrong?_

"Nothing." _She had said it firmly as if trying to hold some ghosts at bay. _"Maybe you shouldn't be telling me this. Perhaps this is something that should stay between the two of you"

_No I want to tell you mother, I must tell you…she's one of the most extraordinary people I have ever met._

"What's so special about her?" _His mother asked with a sad smile._

_She has helped me find myself when I was most lost. Mother, I wish you could meet her and get to know her. She's a scientist and an explorer. She's a lady and a bully. Sometimes she all motion, sometimes she most commanding when she's sitting still. She's a mother and a captain, she's a friend and sometimes she's an enemy. But she is a formidable woman and she is my best friend._

_Chakotay sat at his mother's feet holding her hands and looking up at her doubtful eyes._

"And you love her?"

_With all my heart. _

_I never told you this before mother, but I know that you could see this in me. I don't give my all to someone, only to things, to endeavours. But I gave my all to her. We were both lost a while ago and in order to get back we decided to pool our resources. During that journey I committed myself to her by committing myself to stand by her side for as long as it takes,; to do what our ancient marriage ceremony states "that from now on her needs would come first" I didn't know at the time that doing that would really 'wed' her_ _to me. Over the years, we've done what our vows have said that a husband and wife are to do when they begin to journey together; I have found myself by loving her. With her supporting me and guiding me, I have become the Messenger of our little Tribe mother. Me! When I left home I wanted nothing to do with our Tribe. Now I have seen the Sky Spirits conversed with them, integrated the parts of me that were always distant and opposing. I found peace and lost it and understood the true nature and manifestation of peace and I am now becoming, listening to my spirit and being what I am destined to be._

"But no one is that perfect son." _Why was his mother crying? He thought as he watched the silent tears running down her cheeks._

_She's far from perfect mother, in fact she has more blind spots than a lot of other people I know, but her will is a force that few people can match. It's her stubbornness that is at the root of all her blind spots, her inability at times to see beyond what she desires that had led her to our greatest defeats at times._

"And you're OK with that?"

_Yes because it is the source of her strength that has lead to our greatest triumphs._

"So will I get to meet her before the wedding?" _There was a funny sort of smile on his mother's face_

_Oh we're not getting married to each other._

"You're not!." _Mother looked so shocked and taken aback that Chakotay was puzzled_

_I love her, but I'm not in love with her._

"Why on earth not?"

_Because she's not in love with me._

_His mother's face was solemn as he continued._

_We have other priorities before us, things that will not allow us to fall in love right now. And in fact we may never be married even when our priorities are a memory. I think we had a chance to go that way once, but we didn't take it and time's funny like that, sometimes we may never get the opportunity to walk the same path twice._

"Do you regret not going down that path my son?"

_In a way, because of our journey together, we will always be a part of each other no matter what happens. I will never regret anything where my relationship with Captain Kathryn Janeway is concerned._

"Not even your greatest defeats"

_Not even those. _

_Mother!_

_Chakotay was surprised to see her openly begin weeping._

"I'm alright son. I am….pleased that the Spirits granted you this awesome gift of loving someone. Treasure it, you may never love like this again, even with the woman who is destined to share your path until death. And I know that Kathryn Janeway will too. Do her a favour, remind her of that sometimes…..remind her that the journey at times is what is most important."

_I will.

* * *

_

"Captain, are you alright?"

"I'm perfectly fine lieutenant. It just got a little emotional in there, that's all. He's asleep now."

Moving swiftly past her, Kathryn headed for the turbo lift.

* * *

_B'Elanna?_ Chakotay was shaking her awake.

"Chakotay" Her hopes soared as she came out of sleep and looked at her friend leaning over her. She had fallen asleep on the couch in his quarters while she was watching him. Maybe he was over the worst part and was coming out of the hallucinations now.

_Oh good you're up. Listen, Le-Paz and Seska have gone on a supply run and Sahreen is working on a generator outside. I wanted to talk to you in private before they got back._

He hopes sank when she heard these words from him. He was still having hallucinations.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" She found that she was having an easier time entering into his hallucinations that when she first started.

_I know what happened today between you and Seska_

"Oh" That was the best response she could give when she was unsure of he was talking about.

_She's trying to intimidate you. She wants to be intimate with me again, but I've already decided that it's not best for the cell if we are. So she's making sure that if she can't have me, then no one can. Don't let her drive you away_

"Trust me she couldn't even if she wanted to, but why me?"

_She knows, as I know. I have always known B'Elanna how you've felt about me, even before we were captured by the Subu._

"Really, so why didn't you say something?"

_I didn't want you to hurt your self anymore than you already were._

"I wasn't hurting myself back then Chakotay." B'Elanna said softly, yet as she said it she had the feeling that she was lying. Chakotay also picked up on it.

_Yes you are, not physically but with words. You are so fragile B'Elanna, and no one knows how much just by looking at you. But I know. What I'm offering you now is not only a cause, but a family and a place to belong to. Relationships are hard now, and not knowing what will befall us, risking our lives the way that we are, I cannot being involved with you.. I will not hurt you any more than you are already B'Elanna. Being involved with me now, as I am, as we are, will only bring you pain._

"Why didn't you let me the judge of that?" B'Elanna demanded, the tears threatening to fall

_If I had, would you have had a safe place to learn to trust again, to bring you to this point, to bring you to who you are now on Voyager?_

Chakotay had shifted again

"No, I wouldn't have." And B'Elanna marvelled that even in a delusional state, Chakotay was still wiser than any man she had ever met.

* * *

"Chakotay," she exclaimed.

"I'm alright B'Elanna, I'm myself again," He winced as he heard his grandfather's voice calling out to him in his mind. He ignored it. It was a lot softer than it used to be.

"B'Elanna. Good you're here. I'm going to my quarters to grab a shower and change of uniform. Deliver him to sickbay for me. I think we're over the worst of it." Kathryn came breezing out of the bedroom. B'Elanna gave a surprised look, but Kathryn ignored it.

"Yes Captain."

"I'll meet you in sickbay after I get to the bridge and check on ship's status."

She gave a quick nod and with that Kathryn left.

"What's that?"

B'Elanna was holding a crate which she had left at the side of the door when she rung the chime. As the Captain exited, she had collected it and brought it into his quarters.

"Gifts." She said with a triumphant look.

"This one is from Naomi." She held up a painting of what looked like….

"I think this is the bridge and there's the Captain" B'Elanna was pointing to a stick figure sitting on a chair with tears falling from her eyes. The chair next to hers was empty and the rest of the bridge crew were standing watching the empty chair. There were three other people on the bridge, he guessed they were Ensign Wildman, Neelix and Neomi. The caption read, _we miss you, get well soon _in child script.

"I'll have to remember to tell her thank you." His smile was large. Somehow the picture touched him more than he could have imagined.

B'Elanna took out a PADD. "All the senior officers donated one replicator ration and one half hour of Holodeck time."

"This one is from me and Tom." She took out some packets of incense and a Klingon shaped burner. "It's an old Klingon remedy, a mixture of a mental relaxant and an expeller of demons." She gave a far away look as she explained what it was to him. It was as if she was remembering something. "I figured with everything you've been through, it would help."

"Thanks, I'll tell everyone thanks when I see them."

Chakotay took the items and went to put them away.

"I want to grab a shower, before we go to sickbay do you mind waiting?"

"No"

"So how did Tom take the news that you had to baby sit me one night?" He called from the bathroom. B'Elanna got up and moved to the edge of the room so that she could talk to him a little easier.

"Once I told him that you were hallucinating all the time and that he had little to worry about, he was alright."

"Tom is jealous…of me!" Chakotay asked incredulously.

"Tom pretends that nothing bothers him, but some things still do."

Chakotay could not see her sweet smile but given the timber of her voice he could imagine it.

"But to be jealous of me, that's ridiculous. B'Elanna you and I have always been friends."

"And he respects that, but Tom's still a little envious of you Chakotay, because sometimes he wishes that he were a little more like you, although he would never admit it to himself. He knows that I used to have a crush on you, and he knows you wouldn't act on that, but sometimes instincts are not always reasonable."

"I'll say" Chakotay said as he moved passed her clad with only a towel to get to the bedroom.

B'Elanna had to remind herself, _'I'm taken, not dead'_

She waited a while in silence while he changed his clothes.

When he came out, B'Elanna was studying his medicine wheel intently, lost in thought. He took the opportunity to study her a little more also and she caught him.

'What?"

"I was just thinking about how you were when we first met, you've changed you know; a lot and for the better."

"I know." B'Elanna gave him a small smile. She added by way of explanation. "You told me that yesterday."

Chakotay looked at her blankly at first and as he realized what she was saying, he said to her, "I hope that the last couple of days weren't too hard on you." He said simply.

"No they weren't and if I had to, I would do it over again. Thank you Chakotay."

She gave him a quick kiss on his cheek and a fierce short hug.

"You've are one of the best friends that I've ever had."

"Come on," she said moving towards the door. "Let's get you to sickbay,"

He joined her. "So what's been happening on this ship while I was otherwise occupied?"

"Well Tom told me….."

Together they made their way to sickbay.

* * *

"So you've gotten a clean bill of health and a mini vacation and this is what you're going to do with it?" Kathryn was eyeing his clothes and she changed the topic quickly as a thought came to mind. "How do you feel?"

"I'm ecstatic, for the first time in a week there are no voices, no hallucinations. I'm me again. Thank you Captain, I don't think I would have made it trough without you, the Doctor and B'Elanna."

"You're welcome, Chakotay anytime and please remember that as your Captain and your best friend I am always there for you."

The intensity that Kathryn had in her eyes had Chakotay puzzled. It matched the intensity in B'Elanna's eyes. Suddenly he was a little nervous, but he had to ask.

"Captain what did I say when I was hallucinating? You and B'Elanna both act as if I was the one sat with you not the other way around."

"Chakotay do you trust me?"

"With my life"

"Do you trust B'Elanna?"

"Implicitly."

"You revealed a lot of yourself to us and we had a chance to look at ourselves through your eyes and your past experiences, our past experiences. In your hour of greatest need, you gave us a great gift and it is one we will always treasure."

"Did B'Elanna tell you that?"

"She didn't have too I could see it in her face as we relieved each other after watching you."

"You want to tell me specifics?"

"Now, who's too curious?" Kathryn's eyes danced. "I don't want to tell you because you will be too embarrassed, so lets just leave it at that and…..trust me."

"When I said you should take the next day or two off, I thought you'd want to stay in your quarters with a good book"

"Boxing helps me unwind."

"Well, in that case, report for duty first thing in the morning,"

"See you then,"

In front of the Holodeck, Chakotay gave the command.. "Computer, run Chakotay training program 15-beta."

"Ah, come for a little more punishment?" Chakotay smiled as he saw Boothby coming towards him. "I thought I'd spar for a few rounds."

"Uh-huh. After that last bout? Did you talk to the Doc?"

"I've got a clean bill of health," Chakotay assured him.

"Good enough for me," Boothby said and as Chakotay listened to the report and the advise, he realized how different this one was to the other match was. He was now willing to take as much as he was given. It hadn't been that way before.

"You sure you're ready for this?" Boothby asked him.

"I'm ready,"

The ease and the confidence with which Chakotay answered amazed him. Facing his deepest fear had done that for him. Knowing that the people who loved him and depended on him the most were behind him supporting him helped chased away his fears completely. Knowing that his best friends had seen his madness and the depths of his brokenness and had not run away had made him look at him self in a new light and he had to admit, he liked what he saw.

He had accepted the man he was, liked the man he is and accepted and had faith in the man he would become.

_Do you have the heart for this?_

'Yes I do'

_Begin Round One_

And Chakotay gave it as good as he had gotten.

The End

**Part 15: Dark Mirror**


End file.
